Discovering some sort of harmonious arrangement of my life... with BRUTAL honesty!

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Friday, May 27, 2011

Struggling with perspective....

I'm really struggling tonight....
REALLY struggling...
thus I have turned to my PRIVATE blog....
I don't expect to get much response from this - and that's ok.  I just really need to vent.
I'm having a hard time keeping things in perspective tonight.

First of all..... as you know - if you have visited this blog before... I have struggled with my marriage and where it is going.  We have been married for less than one year.  9 months to be exact.
That's it.
And some days... I wonder what happened?!

When we met... we fell in love.  Things fell into place.  one by one... day by day...  Life seemed good and fulfilling and as though it were going down the right track.  The place I always wanted to be.  School.... new career to come.  A man who loved me and was in this for the long haul.  A man who promised to hold me and take care of me... and just walk through life with me ultimately making it easier WITH a partner.  Someone to lean on.  Someone to depend on...
I know life isn't perfect.
I know life isn't easy.
I know it isn't all rainbows and butterflies. 
THIS I know.....
I have lived dark days... and hard times.... I have cried ... and hurt... and WANTED for sleep just to make it all go away.
But tonight.....
well.... I have lost any positive perspective.
I realize this comes and goes...
but tonight... I hurt.

Tomorrow morning, I am taking my cat to have her put to sleep.  This... my cat I have had for 16 years.  She's been with me through all the hard times and good times and high times and low times.  It seems old age has finally caught up.  My vet tells me she is suffering from dimensia now.   For a long time she has struggled with "using the potty" where the potty is located.  She finds places through out the house to go potty.  And it's just getting worse.  Sometimes I see her just sitting... rocking.... facing a wall.  It's gotten so bad that I have gone to great lengths to accomodate her.  In her own room, with only the litter box and food bowls.  She continues to go potty in the floor.  So - I have finally come to the realization that keeping her locked in a room to prevent her from doing things that she doesn't even realize she is doing wrong is not fair to her... and it's not fair to me.  
So I have THAT to look forward to in the morning.

Where is my husband you ask?
Well, he has taken a new position at work recently.  This new position involves lots and lots of TRAVEL.  When we discussed this, I agreed there are lots of positives to this (more money, company vehicle, company motorcycle, company paid gas... I could go on)  But through all the positives... I was worried.  I told him I was worried.  Worried about what it would do to him.  Worried about what it would do to us.
But I could never tell him no.  Not knowing that he married me knowing I was about to leave a full time job to go to school full time.  Knowing that HE supported ME.  I couldn't NOT support him.

So tonight..... I sit here alone.  Contemplating going alone in the morning to put my cat to sleep. Going alone to lay her to rest.  After a full week of clinicals, work, and job interviews.  I'm just EXHAUSTED.  My mind.  My body.  My emotional well being.  All while my husband is on the road.  And has been gone for a week.  Won't be home until late tomorrow.  So here I am alone... dealing.  Wasting away.  Fading.....
What is my husband doing tonight?
Well.... he was conveniently on the road in a location where some of our friends have gone to spend the weekend.  Two other couples.  So he met up with them for dinner and is spending the night in a cabin with them....  where he will hang out and party and live life up all night no doubt.  While I sit here alone....... fading.

I don't mean to spin this wrong.  He IS working.  He IS traveling.  He IS living from hotel to hotel.  I get that.  and it was a coincidence that he's in the same location as them.  I KNOW that logically.
But my emotions are torn all to pieces.  My mind is fighting with my emotions.
And I just can't get past this feeling tonight.
So I'm sharing it with you..... the internet world.

That is all.

and then I read this.......
Another's perspective...

And I'm wondering........ WHERE is my perspective???
I have lost all sense of what is important to me.....
what used to drive me......
I'm just lost.

1 comment:

  1. Can your son or one of your girlfriends go with you? I know this must be tough, and I know who you WANT to have there with you, but is there anyway someone else could at least make it so you're not alone?

    Sorry to hear that you're struggling.