Discovering some sort of harmonious arrangement of my life... with BRUTAL honesty!

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Friday, May 27, 2011

Struggling with perspective....

I'm really struggling tonight....
REALLY struggling...
thus I have turned to my PRIVATE blog....
I don't expect to get much response from this - and that's ok.  I just really need to vent.
I'm having a hard time keeping things in perspective tonight.

First of all..... as you know - if you have visited this blog before... I have struggled with my marriage and where it is going.  We have been married for less than one year.  9 months to be exact.
That's it.
And some days... I wonder what happened?!

When we met... we fell in love.  Things fell into place.  one by one... day by day...  Life seemed good and fulfilling and as though it were going down the right track.  The place I always wanted to be.  School.... new career to come.  A man who loved me and was in this for the long haul.  A man who promised to hold me and take care of me... and just walk through life with me ultimately making it easier WITH a partner.  Someone to lean on.  Someone to depend on...
I know life isn't perfect.
I know life isn't easy.
I know it isn't all rainbows and butterflies. 
THIS I know.....
I have lived dark days... and hard times.... I have cried ... and hurt... and WANTED for sleep just to make it all go away.
But tonight.....
well.... I have lost any positive perspective.
I realize this comes and goes...
but tonight... I hurt.

Tomorrow morning, I am taking my cat to have her put to sleep.  This... my cat I have had for 16 years.  She's been with me through all the hard times and good times and high times and low times.  It seems old age has finally caught up.  My vet tells me she is suffering from dimensia now.   For a long time she has struggled with "using the potty" where the potty is located.  She finds places through out the house to go potty.  And it's just getting worse.  Sometimes I see her just sitting... rocking.... facing a wall.  It's gotten so bad that I have gone to great lengths to accomodate her.  In her own room, with only the litter box and food bowls.  She continues to go potty in the floor.  So - I have finally come to the realization that keeping her locked in a room to prevent her from doing things that she doesn't even realize she is doing wrong is not fair to her... and it's not fair to me.  
So I have THAT to look forward to in the morning.

Where is my husband you ask?
Well, he has taken a new position at work recently.  This new position involves lots and lots of TRAVEL.  When we discussed this, I agreed there are lots of positives to this (more money, company vehicle, company motorcycle, company paid gas... I could go on)  But through all the positives... I was worried.  I told him I was worried.  Worried about what it would do to him.  Worried about what it would do to us.
But I could never tell him no.  Not knowing that he married me knowing I was about to leave a full time job to go to school full time.  Knowing that HE supported ME.  I couldn't NOT support him.

So tonight..... I sit here alone.  Contemplating going alone in the morning to put my cat to sleep. Going alone to lay her to rest.  After a full week of clinicals, work, and job interviews.  I'm just EXHAUSTED.  My mind.  My body.  My emotional well being.  All while my husband is on the road.  And has been gone for a week.  Won't be home until late tomorrow.  So here I am alone... dealing.  Wasting away.  Fading.....
What is my husband doing tonight?
Well.... he was conveniently on the road in a location where some of our friends have gone to spend the weekend.  Two other couples.  So he met up with them for dinner and is spending the night in a cabin with them....  where he will hang out and party and live life up all night no doubt.  While I sit here alone....... fading.

I don't mean to spin this wrong.  He IS working.  He IS traveling.  He IS living from hotel to hotel.  I get that.  and it was a coincidence that he's in the same location as them.  I KNOW that logically.
But my emotions are torn all to pieces.  My mind is fighting with my emotions.
And I just can't get past this feeling tonight.
So I'm sharing it with you..... the internet world.

That is all.

and then I read this.......
Another's perspective...

And I'm wondering........ WHERE is my perspective???
I have lost all sense of what is important to me.....
what used to drive me......
I'm just lost.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

NO newlywed bliss?

Ok - this is it....
I"m through with the background information
tonight I'm just gonna settle for a good ol' breakdown....

Tonight I'm just gonna get down and dirty...

My husband left last Sunday - one week ago - for a work trip.
He will be gone for 3 straight weeks.  (so still 2 weeks to go)

Wanna guess when the last time we had sex was?

The Saturday A WEEK BEFORE the Sunday he left....
so all week and weekend before he left... NO SEX.
yes - that's right.
didn't feel the need to make love to his wife before he left.
not the night before, not the morning he was leaving.
and it's not just that we didn't have sex
Maybe a kiss goodnight - but no real good make outs either.  NOTHING.

I just don't understand?????

This week was our 5 month anniversary since the wedding.
5 months.

and it's over?


Help me out someone........
is this normal?????/
because I'm struggling with feeling anything anymore.

And it's not like this is a new thing....
we didn't JUST stop having sex.
I feel like the day we got married, I suddenly became less attractive.  not hot anymore.  No longer desirable?

Am I crazy here?
Cause I'm FREAKING out and I just need to know if this is normal or not?

I just don't understand.

How can a man, in his RIGHT mind, be married to someone who WANTS to have sex.... NOT WANNA HAVE SEX????????  hardly EVER?????!!!!!!!!

Monday, January 17, 2011

In the beginning...

Let's start from the beginning....  Why am I here?

I started blogging over a year ago.  As a single mother of a teenager.
I've journeyed through teenage hell...
taken you on trips with me and my "sex and the city" girls
been your sunshine on good days...
and cried on days when I felt nothing was going right....

And THEN... I took you down my road of falling in love.
I met my best friend and now husband
and journeyed down the road of getting engaged and getting married

Then starting school
going back to work in the food industry
and then leaving and for the first time EVER.... NOT working and just focusing on school.

I've been open and honest (in my other blog Every Day in Gray ) about all of these things...

but what I haven't told you - I will begin to reveal here.

My husband has been married before.

In the beginning  - I didn't see that as an issue.

They have a daughter together (whom for now, until I can come up with better names, we will refer to as "the little one').  His ex wife also had another daughter from a previous marriage whom my husband helped raise (we will refer to her as "the middle one") and my husband still refers to her as his daughter.  When he has visitation with the little one, the middle one comes too. 
So - in the beginning (and still) I thought WHAT a respectable thing.  The middle one still sees her real dad, but also refers to my husband as "daddy".

(We will discuss the girls in later blogs)

For now - let's approach the subject of the ex-wife!!!!!

as previously stated - naive as I am - I did not see the "ex" thing as an issue.
Turns out - it was.
There were several issues that arose....   they were dealt with and dealt with and dealt with.
we ended up breaking up (before the engagement) BECAUSE of the relationship they maintained.
and still somewhat maintain.  (grrrrr)
all "for the good of the little one"

DONT get me wrong.....  I believe in what's best for the kids
but there are BOUNDARIES - right?!
Am I right???

BOUNDARIES will be discussed later also.

But for now - even as the wife.......I still feel like the "new girl" in the picture.
I didn't think it would be like that.
but the ex... well.... she's female.  And girls - you know how we are.

I tried the nice card in the beginning.
She told hubby that she was gonna send me a friend request on fb - but was afraid I would deny or be offended.  So I sucked it up and sent her a request.  Which she so obliged with a big fat DENY.  REALLY!  That's the kind of games we are in for... right?
I guess it was probably that day that I decided - this can't be "friendly"

Hubby was her best friend.
Hubby was the one coming to the rescue when she needed him.
Hubby - AFTER they divorced - was still her "in case of emergency"
and I still feel he is today.
I struggle with that.

Hubby is a good guy.  and feels bad.  and doesn't wanna "let anyone down"
so in turn - he does what he thinks is the right thing
and usually I'm the one who gets let down.

OH yeah - and one more pertinent piece of information....... due to fb and mutual friends etc, the ex found out about my blog - and the ex began reading...... a stalker reader.   I found out about this because after a squabble between me and my then boyfriend - I had made a post with a pertinent song.   The ex proceeded to call my guy saying how she thinks it was so ironic the song I used.  Apparently there was some history of the song with them.   YEP.  felt the need to call him and point it out.

So there ya go - issue #1 left out of my other blog - THE EX WIFE!
I'm struggling
and I REALLY don't understand.

So here I am - blog #2 - a place to vent and seek input and opinions and maybe even help others dealing with the things I'm dealing with?

Saturday, January 15, 2011


I'VE DONE IT!!!!!!!!
write it down
take notes
are you ready for this????

after a lengthy meeting/discussion with some friends today...

I have concluded and will share with you now (with details coming in later blogs - so you HAVE to stay tuned) the secret to why our divorce rate is so high!!

Are you READY for this????

follow along...

men are in their prime at what?!  18?  19?  20's...
let's think about this
when are women in their prime???
30's  late 30's... 40's....
and that's USUALLY when a marriage occurs right?

around 30ish
give or take a little.

FACT is... men have now surpassed their sexual prime while women are just entering theirs.

So what do the women get in a marriage?
a man who's "past that" spontaneity and late night pillow talk and instead wants to watch the news and hit the sac... "got an early morning tomorrow"

this in turn creates.....

which in turn creates....
which years down the road has now left you with what???
a COLD hearted BITCH!   :-)
{love, me!}

it's round about THAT time that the man realizes.....  hmmmmmm, my wife hates me and my life is miserable..  I MUST need a NEW shiny red convertible and I MUST get laid.

Exit the sex depraved hardened wife who's had enough
Enter the 22 year old "hot to trot" college girl to step right in where the man left off 20 years ago with his wife.
The grass now looks greener......

Divorce in a nutshell    =)

Am I wrong?

Really?!!!! - LOL

just a thought.................

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Introducing .... ME!

for those of you who have not met me...
I have another blog... Every Day in Gray
and I DO love blogging... and my other blog....
problem is (as often happens here)
My other blog attracted people I know...  friends, family etc.
and although I LOVE them all to death - sometimes I feel the need to vent about my life WITHOUT having to FACE my life!
Does that make sense?

So here I am....
a year after starting my other blog.... starting ANOTHER BLOG
who would have thought?!!

but truth is - I NEEEEED you guys.
I need to vent
I need to listen
I want to help others
and I NEEEED advice from others sometimes

but with my husband reading my other blog... it makes it hard to be COMPLETELY honest about life and how I'm feeling sometimes...
here I am
hoping to get back in touch with all those following my OTHER blog... and hoping to pick up some new followers.
who I NEED and who NEED me too!

I'm Tammy
I left my full time job (of 7 years) 5 months ago
I started school full time (sonography) 4 months ago
I got MARRIED (for the first time) 4 months ago
I have a teenage son and it's been JUST me and him for 15 years
I am now a step mom to 2 girls (8 & 11)
My husband HAS been married before

My story in a nutshell.

Please come visit and follow and then come back again and again for the REAL story of me...
trying to find SOME kind of balance in my life.